I’ve been meaning to make a post all week, updating the zero people that read this blog on how my November challenging has been going. Every time I tried to write one I kept getting off topic and going on random tantrums of emotional eating, guilty eating, and then swirling into a pit of other weird emotional thoughts and it turned out to be a pretty shitty week mentally.
I don’t like to talk about it. my problems. I love listening to other people talk about theirs. I love helping people through them and be there to see how happy they are when they achieve things once seeming impossible. When it comes to myself though, I feel as if it is a burden to impose my unpleasantness with those around me. It’s wrong of me to impose my unhappy outlook onto others, they have enough to worry about. This week though I have just had an overwhelming unpleasant feeling that has been hard to shake. Mostly in my throat. I was reminded earlier today something I learned in my Health Coaching course at IIN. Sometimes when your throat hurts. its a sign you need to get things out. Use your voice, or in this case hands to write/type it out.
As I sat in silence on my couch earlier, letting the tears stream, I took out my pen and paper. I felt immediate release. Holding the fresh pages in my hand. The smell sends a calming feeling rushing down my body. I could feel my body relax a tad. Time to get to it.
So I wrote and wrote and wrote. When my mind wandered and went into an off beat tantrum, I allowed it to flow. Only for a while, as to stay somewhat on target. But it felt good to allow the constant conversation of my mind to move to the page. It felt like I was getting rid of it. It no longer took up the space in my mind because it now captured on the page forever. Stuck there for me to come back to and review. I now have more room for new thoughts and to move on.
I reminded myself to take care of myself. I must learn to be just as soft and gentle with myself as I am stern and rough. I am resilient, but I am not immortal. Learning to balance both sides and find where my own sweet spot is, is important. If i am not well, how can I help others be well? If I do not care for myself, how can I care for others?
I know there are good things coming in my future. I know change is coming, I’ve been feeling it for a while. I want to use the remaining 50-ish days left in this year to work on having a good start to 2017. Part of that, is being okay with allowing myself to have an off day. Allowing myself to feel sad, take a deep breath, relax, and move on. Trying to ignore the nagging feeling of needing a little extra care is only going to get worse until it is screaming in your face and your crying alone at 6pm on a Thursday and feel as if the world is collapsing on you.