These past few weeks I have really made an effort to be more productive with my time, especially in the evening. It’s easy for me to get home around 8, make dinner, pop on a show and zonk out till around 10ish and then sheepishly make my way to bed. With Chris busy recording all week and working 12 hour days, I decided it was the perfect time to make better use of my evenings. This has included a lot of reading, writing, and some unintentional meditating which has led to some unexpected self-discoveries.
Life has a funny, or not so funny depending on your humor, way of forcing you to face everything. As much as you try to hide life will eventually catch up with you. If you haven’t gathered from some of my posts, I’m a bit socially awkward. Going out in public, talking to people, even making phone calls gives me anxiety beforehand. Even during most of these encounters I end up being even more awkward because I’m so focused on not being awkward. It wasn’t until recently, that I took the time to question why I was like this. I don’t remember getting these feelings of anxiety as a child, even early adolescent and teen years. I was much more out-going, talkative- sometimes too much. I remember friends getting mad at me for saying something to “so & so” that I wasn’t supposed to. I was an open book, I had nothing to hide. – I had nothing to hide. That phrase struck me like the edge of a sharpened razor. It’s easy to be out-going, on the forefront of life when everything is new, exciting, you’re unjaded by the harshness of life, of people. Life didn’t stay unjaded for me very long. One thing happens, something small, embarrassing and you hope people don’t find out, so you don’t talk about it, you avoid anything relating to the subject. Soon something else happens, and then another thing and another and before you know it you are living behind a wall. Unable to cope with all the shit, so I didn’t. Like most people, I burried it deep inside me and turned to drugs. What happens though when your drugs turn on you? When you drink till you black out and become violent and vile, when instead of getting high to laugh and forget you do nothing but analyze and remember other ways you use to “deal with pain”. My plan to avoid my past was soon becoming more self-destructive than therapeutic. Gee, who would have thought that drugs weren’t the answer to my problems? That didn’t stop me though; it just made me feel worse and forced me to hide myself even more. Instead of changing my behaviors, instead of seeking help and dealing with my past, forgiving myself and others, I became more and more reclusive. I spent 3 years of my life hiding. I was in a relationship where I didn’t have to explain myself. He didn’t ask, I didn’t tell. We hardly left the apartment. I didn’t know what to say to people anymore. I didn’t know who I was, but I wasn’t ready to face any of it. I always worked with people, I truly enjoy being around people. Seeing others happy and excited makes me happy and excited. That was my social life though. The only friends that I had were from work. They probably didn’t even know I considered them friends. I was miserable and after 3 years there was a voice in me I had been ignoring for too long and it wasn’t going to be ignored anymore.
I didn’t know what I was doing when I was doing it. I didn’t know leaving that relationship, leaving that job would have such an impact on my life, or rather, give me life again.
I’ve spent the last year of my life coming out of this tunnel. Slowly trying to remove the hermit shell I have built for myself and live out loud again.
I have a lot to share with the world. I have a lot I want to do in this world. I thought I wanted to start my own business so I could help others. Share my story with you and show you that you’re capable of coming out on the other side, that you can survive and you are much stronger than you think. I’m seeing how mysterious the universe really does work because in an unexpected twist I am still helping myself, learning about myself, and continuing on in my own journey.
Did I really think life was going to just let me slide by without dealing with my shit? Well life, you win. I’m doing my best, one day at a time.